GO HOME

November 9, 2004 10:01 PM

THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ IN A LONG TIME! Jung's Xanga READ IT! Got it off Jung's Site

Hey Mr. Ashcroft... BYE BYE BITCH!

November 9, 2004 1:07 AM

Ted Knight2: my life sucks now
Ted Knight2: so fucking boring
Ted Knight2: I joined a gym today
Ted Knight2: a fucking gym
Ted Knight2: I'm paying people
Ted Knight2: to let me run
Ted Knight2: though they have a heated pool
Ted Knight2: which I will urinate in
Ted Knight2: I'm so out of shape too

It's good to have Matt quality hate back in the US. Other countries should pay us for this shit.

November 9, 2004 12:46 AM

Speaking of writing in the 2nd person. Does anyone out there remember Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books? THOSE WERE SWEET! How you would try and read the book, but most of the time you would just skip to the decisions at the bottom because the actual text of the book was just too damn boring...

You arrive at a glistening pond. Dew beads on the light green leaves of the local flora drip casting rippling wavelets across the pond. Small carp chase each around the pond cutting back and forth blurring into quick dark streaks. Water Skippers dart along the edge of the pond they're thin legs casting depressions in the water's surface. You grasp a branch..... *skip skip skip* the wolf howls.... *skip skip skip* scratch and sniff stickers.... *skip skip skip* you eat a lunch of peanut butter and jelly... *skip skip skip*

Do you:
Take the north path towards the town of Grisgby... turn to page 89
Take your shirt off, twist it 'round yo head. Spin it like a helicopter... turn to page 125

See you know you should head towards the town of Grigsby, I MEAN WHO WOULDN'T... but you keep your finger in the book to keep the page because deep down you want to know what happens when you wrap your 'round yo head... like it was a helicopter.

The other great part was when you would obviously pick the wrong choice...

Do you:
Offer peace to the alien race by sharing an apple... turn to page 25
Punch the alien in the face, and sacrifice a baby for good measure... turn to page 78

ahhh yes... time to get baby eating...

I always enjoyed how there were only 2 happy endings. The rest of the endings would be ways you die... Ahhhh Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books. Those were great.... oh yea... Go Bears!

November 8, 2004 11:53 PM

Today's post will be written in the lost art of 2nd person.

The alarm starts ringing as you open your sleep encrusted eyes. You squint slightly eyeing the alarm clock as you wipe the drool from your cheek. "UGH, 8:55am!" you think to yourself. On any other day, this would mean you're late for work, but not today. Today this means you're making the long trek up to Memorial Stadium to scream at the Oregon fans. Today you watch the California Golden Bears make the Oregon Ducks their bitches.

You roll off the edge of the bed. Literally, this is the only way you're going to wake your sleepy ass up. Roll Roll Roll.... THUD! Ouch! This floor is harder than you had planned... Damn... Everything is not going according to plan.

You brush your teeth and put on your favorite Cal T-shirt and walk out to the BART station. Catching a Fremont train, there is a mix of old people, some Cal fans, some Oregon fans ribbing each other and teasing. You put on the angry face. To scare the old Oregonians. GRRRRRRR! No one fucks with Cal...

You get out of the Berkeley BART station and call Shyam. You walk over to the shuttles going up to the stadium. Shyam says he's walking out to the shuttles so you wait. Five minutes later 5 shuttle busses roll up to the stop and you get nervous as you wait for Shyam and Craig. You pass on the first 4 busses planning on the taking the next group up. When the conductor fellow asks, "You going up to the stadium?" You respond affirmative.

The Conductor fellow stops one of the busses on his walkie talkie and tells you that... that's the last bus to board. You try and buy time to wait for Shyam to get there... .... .... so you stall... ... ... you walk slowly ... ... ... you call Shyam ... he says he'll be right there... you stall you walk slowly ... ... ... you ask inane questions... ... ... "So this shuttle will take me where?" ... ... ... "This is the LAST shuttle?".. ... ... "Are you sure there's no more?" ... ... ... Then you see shyam and craig's figures come running from the Center and Shattuck Intersection.... "Could you hold on... for just like a minute?"

Sweet now your on the shuttle up towards the stadium. You get off the shuttle and start up to Kerem's. Entering Kerem's house you bring out the HATE! The HATE that MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL! THE HATE THAT MAKES YOU LOSE YOUR VOICE AFTER ONLY 30 MINUTES OF YELLING!

"OI OREGON!!! YOU KNOW WHY YOU GUYS SUCK?! BEND OREGON!! THAT'S RIGHT BITCHES.... VOTE FOR BUSH?! RED COUNTY!? BOOOOOO DESCHUTES COUNTY!"

You're pretty sure you're confusing the Oregonians and not really harassing them, but that's ok. It's still funny. Kerem tells you that you're bringing "Stanford Level Hate" on Oregon. You tell him that, "They're Oregonians... and you had to hate on the Hometown crowd!"

After a solid 2 hour effort you get into the stadium. Where you sneak past the security guards into the student section. Then you watch with anticipation and joy as the starting kickoff is kicked and game starts. AHHHHHH..... you let out a deep breath. Bush winning is almost countered by this feeling of elation. ALMOST....

"Goodness, you love college football," you think to yourself as Cal makes a solid stop and then scores off of a 30 yard run from J.J. Arrington. Then disaster strikes as Oregon scores their first touchdown. "It's ok... it's tied... it's ok" you say to yourself through clenched teeth.

Then bitch ass Oregon tries an on-side kick. Bitchass Oregon... But then Cal stalls on its drive and the game continues. Cal gets another touchdown. Then Oregon responds with a kickoff return that puts them on the Cal 30 yard line.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE THE SPECIAL TEAMS!??!?! YOU PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!!" you scream. This wouldn't be the first time you said this... It wouldn't be the last. After Oregon scores. They start with a kickoff. Then you scream and pull your hair out as Terrell Williams drops the kickoff and Oregon recovers it. Then Oregon scores again. After all this you're so angry and sad that the rest of the half blurs together.

You go into Half time with the score 13-27 Oregon lead. You watch the inane marching of Highschool bands with the Cal Band. It doesn't matter.... SO ANGRY...... Blind RAGE RISING..... AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! You scream in your head. You look over to see if the person next to you hears the screaming in your head....

The Bears come back and win it 28-27.... but it doesn't matter. This is no way for #4 in the country to play. To have a post season BCS bowl taken away by shitty hippies from Eugene. You're so angry you get back to Kerem's balcony. If you didn't win strongly and barely escaped defeat. You will LEGITIMIZE this victory by angry shouting.

A Oregon fan looks and says, "OV-ER RATED!" You respond with, "You know what's sad? We played that poorly and still beat you... You know what else is sad? You have such nice facilities from all that Nike money and you still can't recruit some good players..." This shuts the Oregon fan up. Then you proceed to wish all the Oregonians a good safe trip home. This is far for degrading than actually shouting at them.

This is the tale of the 2004 Cal Vs. Oregon as told from the perspective of you, the Cal bear fan. GO BEARS!